Forgiveness

As you may recall, a few months back I posted a blog about meeting with the young man responsible for Yves death. Many of you expressed curiosity on what became of it.

Of course this was no easy task, and the days leading up to it created a bit of nervousness. Fortunately my dear friend, Joris agreed to be at my side. Joris has become quite an anchor for me these past two years. First of all, he was the friend with Yves on that wonderful day we met in Italy and from the start he welcomed me as a friend. At our wedding, I asked him (naturally) to be my witness and as fate would have it, he met me at the hospital when Yves was killed. Together we were told the painful news from the highway patrol about Yves death. He helped me with the funeral procedures and has been a wonderful ear to all my sorrows. He and his father also raced the Marmotte in Yves honor but unfortunately for him, he had two flat tires on Alp d'huez. Nonetheless he waited and finally got them repaired. Instead of finishing on his own, he waited for me and we rode the last 2km together. He motivated me to go faster so we could cross the finish line together. (I of course had to try to out-sprint him just to make Yves smile)

Thus it felt natural to ask him to be by my side during this meeting. We arrived at the neutral meeting spot at the allotted time and were greeted by the mediator. I had already met alone with the mediator the day before to be primed and to discuss the procedures and expectations. I had mentioned to him my experience in New Zealand. He listened intently and then told me that this tribal custom of mediation and forgiveness is world renown in the social services field and that they now are trying trying to instill this in the Western world. He was proud to share that Limburg, Belgium was one of the first places to adopt it. Hence his job as a mediator.

Now this is a radical concept in a place like Belgium. As an American trying to immerse in a new land, I have observed many customs, procedures and day to day activities. For the most part Belgians are very private about their personal feelings. Confrontation is not an easy thing. People tend to keep their emotions inward and may discuss it with someone else before they would ever confront the individual! I, on the extreme other hand, was raised by two open minded parents. One was a social worker who taught "effectiveness and communication skills training". the other was a public attorney in San Francisco and loved the art of debate and critical thinking. Many a dinner time was spent for him to bring up a topic then playing the "devil's advocate" as we all debated our sides of an issue. My parents instilled that we become individuals, speak our mind and do what WE think best. Not to comply out of fear of being different.

So what seemed normal to me (meting privately with the young man) was unheard of for many Belgians. However, I knew if I wanted to move forward I needed to undertake this unpleasant but necessary step.

We arrived and after we were greeted, entered and sat down out a big table. The young man than appeared. We stood up, exchanged names and he and I shook hands. The day before the mediator asked me if I was willing to shake hands and I said yes.
My body temperature shot up and I immediately drank a glass of water. I needed to look him in the eye. I needed to hear his voice tell his side of the story. I needed this.

He proceeded to tell me his recollection of that day and I could clearly see and hear the sorrow. He is a child! He is only 23. He does not know what or where he is going and this has surely stuck a knife in his side. He has killed a man! He has wounded another who will never be the same. He has changed the lives of many many people including himself. I listened intently then also spoke. I wanted to let hm know that we all make mistakes and are all capable of doing this. I wanted him to know I don't hate him. I know he did not intend to do it. I wanted him to know that if it was me, I would hope that someone could forgive me. I am old enough to be his mother! He is deeply troubled by it as well as me and I needed to see this.

I asked him if he had outlets or avenues to channel his pain. He said no. I confided to him that cycling and writing have been two methods that help my go forward and I suggested that he must find something.

So far I can think of two completely separate occurrences that I have encountered that brought me as an "outsider" in a place that confronted me on what I would do if.... The first being the tragic surprise death of my ex mother in law's second husband who was killed in a bar room brawl accident and the second the forgiveness story of the Maori people in New Zealand. Little did I know I would be in those situations and thankfully I could draw from what I learned.

All stories have two sides. So I ask YOU readers, what would you do?