I have never let media made public standards dictate what I do, wear, nor act. And now as an "older woman", I am more confident about who I am. I have worked hard to transform myself physically and have reaped both the physical and mental benefits. I am by no means, some sort of incredible being. Yet, I know that physical activity is the key to health and healthy aging. My expectations and motivations are now generated by staying fit and hopefully being as independent as possible into my impending geriatric years. The competition is now ONLY with me.
However a few years ago, I dug my own grave : I did what all trainers tell people NOT to DO. For nearly three years, I severely overtrained. I was in the depths of grief and the only thing I could do was ride my bike and workout to vent my anger, frustration and to bring joy into my dark world. From age 51 - 53 I trained like a 20 year old. I drove as many kilometers each year as a professional. I pushed myself. I rode with groups, chased the fast guys and never rested. Sure I had some bad days, my body would tell me, but I did not listen. I was in my own grieving world where the bicycle was the only one who could understand. Until, the bike protested. Then one day, I broke. I could no longer follow. I fell backward on climbs, my head and legs said no. I was now in panic. My best friend is turning against me! I resisted like any warrior does but I lost the war. I was forced to cut back, I was forced to lose my ego, my bike fitness had fallen and fallen hard.
It has taken me 5 years to finally get my head together, to listen to my body and accept I am now 58 years old. I do not expect nor try to go as fast as I did, but I enjoy each pedal stroke. This summer I am increasing my distances and appreciating the gift of endurance I was born with. I have been a cyclist for more than 30 years and have ridden, raced, laughed and cried thousands and thousands of kilometers all around the world. I intend to do so until I can no longer make a pedal stroke.
Yesterday, I decided to participate in a Randonnée in the region of Namur, Belgium. There were three distance options: 90km, 130km and 190km. My old self always chose the longest ones and up until this year I cut back. But this year, I decided to allow my natural "diesel" to be released again.
My intention was to finish, keep my steady "go forever" pace. I started early, taking off at 7:30 and saw only a few others. I followed the "fleche" / arrows painted on the roads, made my way up and down hills, up the cobblestones of the Citadel, through forests, past castles and an Abbey. There were plenty of moments when the heat, the hills and not knowing the route where I needed to distract myself. Riding 190km alone is a test of being your own best friend. I sang songs, counted rhythms and let my mind wander with memories. As I was climbing a hill, an old man and his riding mate ( I say old as he had grey hair and a wrinkled body) passed me and he yelled out " Allez Fifi".. It took me a few moments to digest what he said. Fifi? Fifi? Fifi!
I now had plenty to think about as I climbed alone.. I am not a Fifi. I am a strong woman. What gave him the right to call me a name that conjures a poodle dog? I may be female, but I am not weak. I would not ride past him and say Allez old geezer!
I became angry. Angry that from day one, women are expected to be demure, expected not to push ourselves, expected not to be strong. Things are changing but not really. Even women will condemn other women who are strong. Think about it. How many times have you heard women remark negatively regarding one the world's best athletes, Serena Williams? "She looks like a man" She has too many muscles". In my eyes she is the epitome of feminine.
Women must take the first step to say no to the commercial stereotypes of beauty, not put each other down and only then, men may give us more respect. I am not saying all men or women are conditioned but many are. The only way we can see change is to promote each other, celebrate our differences and empower each other to be true to ourselves.
Thus, I shall continue to lift heavy objects, ride my bike up and down mountains, flip tires and use battling ropes with the hopes that I can keep my muscles strong til the very end. With that, I shall continue to encourage and support my fellow Warrior Princesses! Maybe you can too.
