Forgiveness

As you may recall, a few months back I posted a blog about meeting with the young man responsible for Yves death. Many of you expressed curiosity on what became of it.

Of course this was no easy task, and the days leading up to it created a bit of nervousness. Fortunately my dear friend, Joris agreed to be at my side. Joris has become quite an anchor for me these past two years. First of all, he was the friend with Yves on that wonderful day we met in Italy and from the start he welcomed me as a friend. At our wedding, I asked him (naturally) to be my witness and as fate would have it, he met me at the hospital when Yves was killed. Together we were told the painful news from the highway patrol about Yves death. He helped me with the funeral procedures and has been a wonderful ear to all my sorrows. He and his father also raced the Marmotte in Yves honor but unfortunately for him, he had two flat tires on Alp d'huez. Nonetheless he waited and finally got them repaired. Instead of finishing on his own, he waited for me and we rode the last 2km together. He motivated me to go faster so we could cross the finish line together. (I of course had to try to out-sprint him just to make Yves smile)

Thus it felt natural to ask him to be by my side during this meeting. We arrived at the neutral meeting spot at the allotted time and were greeted by the mediator. I had already met alone with the mediator the day before to be primed and to discuss the procedures and expectations. I had mentioned to him my experience in New Zealand. He listened intently and then told me that this tribal custom of mediation and forgiveness is world renown in the social services field and that they now are trying trying to instill this in the Western world. He was proud to share that Limburg, Belgium was one of the first places to adopt it. Hence his job as a mediator.

Now this is a radical concept in a place like Belgium. As an American trying to immerse in a new land, I have observed many customs, procedures and day to day activities. For the most part Belgians are very private about their personal feelings. Confrontation is not an easy thing. People tend to keep their emotions inward and may discuss it with someone else before they would ever confront the individual! I, on the extreme other hand, was raised by two open minded parents. One was a social worker who taught "effectiveness and communication skills training". the other was a public attorney in San Francisco and loved the art of debate and critical thinking. Many a dinner time was spent for him to bring up a topic then playing the "devil's advocate" as we all debated our sides of an issue. My parents instilled that we become individuals, speak our mind and do what WE think best. Not to comply out of fear of being different.

So what seemed normal to me (meting privately with the young man) was unheard of for many Belgians. However, I knew if I wanted to move forward I needed to undertake this unpleasant but necessary step.

We arrived and after we were greeted, entered and sat down out a big table. The young man than appeared. We stood up, exchanged names and he and I shook hands. The day before the mediator asked me if I was willing to shake hands and I said yes.
My body temperature shot up and I immediately drank a glass of water. I needed to look him in the eye. I needed to hear his voice tell his side of the story. I needed this.

He proceeded to tell me his recollection of that day and I could clearly see and hear the sorrow. He is a child! He is only 23. He does not know what or where he is going and this has surely stuck a knife in his side. He has killed a man! He has wounded another who will never be the same. He has changed the lives of many many people including himself. I listened intently then also spoke. I wanted to let hm know that we all make mistakes and are all capable of doing this. I wanted him to know I don't hate him. I know he did not intend to do it. I wanted him to know that if it was me, I would hope that someone could forgive me. I am old enough to be his mother! He is deeply troubled by it as well as me and I needed to see this.

I asked him if he had outlets or avenues to channel his pain. He said no. I confided to him that cycling and writing have been two methods that help my go forward and I suggested that he must find something.

So far I can think of two completely separate occurrences that I have encountered that brought me as an "outsider" in a place that confronted me on what I would do if.... The first being the tragic surprise death of my ex mother in law's second husband who was killed in a bar room brawl accident and the second the forgiveness story of the Maori people in New Zealand. Little did I know I would be in those situations and thankfully I could draw from what I learned.

All stories have two sides. So I ask YOU readers, what would you do?

lessons learned

Looking back into the last 25 years, I see I have always been one to live by my heart, go for my dreams and do so with great passion. Through that I quickly learned how to roll with the punches, celebrate the successes, as well as get back on my feet through the falls. From creating the path when none existed, lighting the path when it became dark to blazing though it when it once again shined, I learned many lessons. These are the essential elements of progression and for me provide a rhythm to live by. And I am a being which rhythm is essential.

Back in 1992 I was given the opportunity to work abroad in New Zealand. I jumped on the idea and thought nothing up uprooting for a minimum of a year with possibilities of more. The world was my 'Oyster' and I was ready to share what I know, as well as learn from the new experiences and outlooks of a different culture. As expected there were plenty of challenges, hurdles and successes. It was time well spent.

However one particular incident I shall never forget as it made a deep impression in my heart and mind. Little did I know the lessons learned would be something I would need to utilize in my own life. Once again a big "hmmmmmmmmmmmmm".

For those of you who are not so familiar with the demographics of New Zealand: the 2 islands are inhabited by a combination of European born Caucasian folks, Maoris and Polynesians and Tongans. As expected there is plenty of animosity regarding the politics etc. Nonetheless, an interesting incident occurred that made we think.

One day there was a traffic accident where a young Polynesian man in a car hit another young Polynesian girl. He left the scene of the crime and she subsequently died. The authorities were looking for him as well as the tribal commune. The Tribal community has it's own set of rules and philosophies and the community is close knit. After a few days the driver surrendered. He confronted both his family and the family of the victim. At this point the police intervened. Because the young man had "hit and run" they wanted to arrest him. However the Polynesian tribunal said no! they wanted to deal with it in their own manner. Both families collaborated and decided to forgive the young man and even though one lost their daughter they were able to see above their loss and knew the young man would have to live with that burden his entire life.
The police were not amused. I do not recall the outcome from the police side as it was a long drawn out case as well as something that occurred 2o years ago. However I was perplexed by the attitude of the Polynesian community. It stuck with me. I pondered it. What would I do? Could I forgive? would I want vengeance? I realized the maturity of this family's actions were beyond what most people could fathom. Beautiful, sad but beautiful.

So 20 years later, I too am confronted with a similar scenario. the love of my life, the father of 3 beautiful children who looked up to him, the local hardworking bike racer, dependable friend to all those who new him was instantly killed by a young driver who made a mistake. A mistake that can and often happens to us all. Just a moment of separation. The mind is not focused. There is a small bend in the road. The car steers to far right. He tried to compensate by over steering left. The road was wet, he lost control just as 2 cyclists are coming down the other side of the road. they are in the bike lane on the left hand shoulder as they should. He cannot avoid them as his car is now out of control. My Yves front wheel impacts his front passenger side and is flung into the windshield, bounces off the car and into a median where he apparently died instantly. I'm sure (or pray) it was just a flick of a switch for him. His friend hits and flies over the car to be left with many broken bits and pieces. He is healing. It is a long road but he will make it.

8 1/2 months later I am finally allowed to read the official dossier as the case has been closed. The detectives have done their forensic work and the official determination based on mathematical equations and logistics have been determined.

And for me, they ask "do you want to speak to the driver? We can arrange that through a mediator if the driver is willing to talk to you. He has the option not".
"Yes", I say, "I want to look him into the eye and let him know that I forgive him for being human. However he needs to own up to his responsibility as a human being to confront his mistake and see that all of his actions in his life do have impact on others whether he know it or not. He has to live with this".

I do not expect any response nor even an immediate understanding of what I say. After all he is only 23. Of anything, I just need to free myself from the anger and sadness he has created.

I look to the Polynesians, I recall their brave and selfless convictions and hope by extending forgiveness to this young man, he too can find peace.