Sunday, October 30, 2011
Not an easy read...
Apparently dealing with loss is different for everyone. there is no rule book, no expectations, no norms, and no preparation. Even if you know someone you love is dying and you have the logical left side brain justifying the situation, you still have no control over your subconscious mind.
You will cry, you will feel intense sadness and it is expected. Depending on the circumstances and how you deal with it, it last a short or long period.
But if it's a complete surprise like Yves death, then you have even less control. You just jump in head first and either sink or swim. I have chosen to swim but some days it's more like flailing in the deep water. Constantly getting pummeled by a big wave swallowing water but managing to stay afloat. Other days I'm a fish swimming smoothly with an occasional run in with a wayward fishing line.
Without any rhyme or reason, 'it' can hit. It happens when you least expect just as much as when you would expect it. Anything can trigger it, and it can materialize in so many ways. From the obvious sadness to feeling indignant. A feeling of uniqueness. sometimes I walk around and know I am different, different that I was and different from everyone else. I look around at people and know they have NO idea that 2 minutes can change your world..I had no idea how tough this was going to be.
On the physical side, out of nowhere this deep almost cramp-like sensation materializes and a fleeting feeling of panic enters the body sort of like the "fight or flight response". Tears will flow and an intense sense of loss fills your abdomen. If I happen to be biking, my breathing becomes shallow like sobs, but I usually can power through it. If I'm, in a public place, I just avert my eyes, head away from people and just let myself have a moment. However, If I happens when I'm with you, please know it is temporary and I really am OK. Nobody can do anything and I have to go through it. It is a painful process that I wish on no one but I know it will get easier. I know I will NEVER be the same as before but the hole will get smaller and the pain will eventually numb itself away. Hopefully then, I have taken this hardship and molded it into something positive that can be shared with you.