Sunday, January 4, 2015

Perspective and daily outlook has come 360 degrees since that fateful day of August 13, 2011. Once again on that day, impermanence slapped me hard in the face. However,  this time when I was able to stand up and the birds stopped flying around my dizzy head, I saw a new light. It was not that the light hadn't shone in me before, it was only brighter and clearer then ever. It pointed stronger than ever that nothing REALLY matters except the moment and what you choose to do with each one of them.

After all, each one consists of  huge gambles based on choices, passion and then luck of the draw. Being in the right  time at the right place coupled by decision.  Even in tragedy, it is apparent that the right time/moment for that particular story is that particular ordeal.

I'm convinced that some of us are destined to be battered emotionally more than others and our role is to endure and re surge with more strength, empathy and compassion. Hence to reinvent the next chapter and make it  simpler and purer than the previous. Others choose to wallow in the mire and live a life with internal hell but that is NO life for me!

After all, is is all impermanent. All things will and must pass but why as humans do we struggle with letting go? It seems to be a process that eases as time and experiences weather one's soul. Not that is is ever easy as that would show lack of emotion but instead the ability to pick up and move forward with less weight.

Perhaps when that point is reached and detachment is truly attained , then it is the end of the story on this plane..Until then, I shall keep moving with little regrets and much appreciation for every beat, joy and pain and with eyes wide open for more.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Today I vow to take a step backward

I am not a person who needs a lot of "stuff" and literally can wear the same clothes, eat off the same plate, etc etc.  I appreciate nice things and have had periods in my life where those things had greater importance. And of course, like most women enjoy buying a new outfit and unlike most, a new bicycle. However I tend to do both things in moderation.
Perhaps my experiences with loss have given me a different perspective. I am not really sure why but that does not matter.

The older I get the more I forget details of decades past.  Trying to live in the present as well as setting sights on the tomorrows take precedent. But every once in a while, a piece of times long ago surface, and as always I am humbled with the memories that they clearly evoke. It is only then, that I truly can mark my age.

Although I try not to be attached to material things, I do have a habit for saving certain things and as it turns out, these things are practically obsolete. Today while looking for some blank note cards that I had put in storage boxes , I stumbled on a few bundles of letters and cards that were bunched together with old rubber bands. Curiously I looked at a few. There were birthday cards from 20+ years ago, a wedding invitation and a number of photos. What really drew my eye were the aerogrammes and letters. Letters!!!! A wonderful thing of the past. Life before the web, internet, email, smart phones and instant messaging. It instantly brought me back. The blue papered aerograms especially bought warmth to my heart. How beautiful it was when we actually took the time and thought to pen a letter then send it via post, knowing it would takes days or even weeks to be received. The excitement of waiting for a reply brings back a wonderful time of innocence and patience.  As much as I use and appreciate the conveniences of having so many communication options, I sometimes think we were much better off when we had less "connectivity". We had to make more of an effort and we had to think before we wrote. Instant gratification did not apply.  When was the last time you received a note, card or letter via post?  Well look out!  you may find one from me.... but be patient, snail mail is slow..

Friday, September 6, 2013

All things must pass.....

August has come and gone and summer is officially on her way out....The days are shorter and here in Belgium it is inevitable that the temperatures shall drop and rain will return. Seasons and cycles are prevalent here and it fairly predictable.

However this August was pivotal for me and brought much relief in many ways. It was a month of reflection, a month of independence, and a month of moving forward. Seeing more clearly and letting go of some unrealistic people and ideas. I indulged myself the entire month to do what I love! France was exactly what I needed and enjoyed each day as if it were my last. I rode my bike up mountains, enjoyed the beauty of Provence,  the warm sunshine and wonderful foods of the region. I spent most of this time alone but being alone in a beautiful place is so much easier than alone in one that brings no joy. I was content.

Dealing with loss is something that never becomes easy however,  the more you lose, the less the expectations are and the realization that nothing is permanent.. Therefore, being in the moment is truly the only thing we really can do.. So why not take each moment for what it is and find a positive to focus on?
During this August recharging period,  I found out my only brother is dying and my only sister had to be hospitalized.. and here I was climbing big mountains on my bike. Yet, that gave me more reason to do what I love!!  Life is so unpredictable and I am thankful everyday for my health, for my strong will, and the ability to persevere with a smile.

But today brought a different pleasant surprise. 
The reason I write these blogs is to share my experiences as well as it allows me to sort my crazy brain out. However, I have  a secret desire that someone may find inspiration and can benefit from the thoughts I write and today this became real.

While checking my email I received a message from a long ago former colleague and friend that I hadn't heard from in years..
 For some reason he was thinking of me and decided to google me.. Well, I am absolutely the most un-private person in this universe and everything from old race results, training advice to my blog shows up. Thus he begins reading this array of scribblings.

He had recently experienced sudden loss and upon stumbling on my writings found comfort and perhaps even solidarity in knowing that he is not alone in his feelings, and that life can go on.. That IS exactly my point, life DOES go on!

Of course the grieving period is a necessary evil that we have to look in the face but the blackness and emptiness dissipates with time if you allow it. This doesn't mean you will stop having  moments of intense sorrow but that they get less and less. Life as you now know it now different however it goes on.

Now don't get me wrong,  there were many times I contemplated death as it seemed like an easy way out of this painful world. But somehow  I kept my head out of that water..Diverted my pain by writing these blog posts, listening to others, riding my bike and believing it can be good again.

And no matter what.... I believe it. Life can and IS good again. It's all how you view it and want it to be!!!  xxx

Saturday, August 3, 2013

August rolls in as quickly as this year speeds past.

It will be 2 years on the 13th of August that my world was changed in a heartbeat.  The last thing I said  to him was "see you later" and who new??? 6 hours later I would be staring at my newlywed husband's dead body in the Funeral home... Yes, life is not fair.

But it is what it is...the tears still fall, the emptiness and loneliness are underneath the skin but I search for a new life, wherever it may be.

I vowed not to spend another August in the house he built for us. Seeing the neighbors and their families is not easy when you are the only one alone....Summer fun, kids playing, people with BBQs is not so cheerful when your husband and kid were all taken away. I do not belong and I feel like an outsider looking in..

Thus I have escaped for the month of August  to revisit France: Provence, the cote azure and then the Alpes. And here I am with bike marveling the beauty and serenity of the heart of Provence..

Crickets chirping loudly, vineyards full of grapes, small sleepy villages and of course the hills and omnipresent Mt. Ventoux!  The epic bike stages of the Tour de France have seen the pain that this barren mountain can dole out.. The paint of all the cyclists names is  still fresh on the road from just a week or so ago, as the TDF battle rode past. Cyclists from all over the world test their legs and courage on Ventoux.

The mountain has many memories for me and I enjoy the pain and glory it always provides. It is a test of fitness, a test of will and an often a gamble with the elements. I rode my first and second times up  Ventoux with Yves in 2010 shortly after moving to Belgium to start a new life together. The next was carrying his ashes in my pocket last year and placing them where we happily sat. Today I rode with memories, love and towards an unknown future. I shall continue to push myself until I can no longer.
I have my moments of sadness and pain but I also am thankful for all I have, look with open eyes to the future and try to appreciate each day..Cause you never know when your last breath will be!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

3 years ago

I packed it all up. I went through each item. I sold what i could, gave away things and carefully decided what I needed to keep. It was real. It was happening. I was on my way to start a new life. A new life with the man I met in a fairytale dream and his three children.

I was ready for a big change and I was not afraid to step away it all to begin a new one that was based on love and making a future together.

3 years ago I said my last face to face goodby to my dying mother.. I was happy yet sad to leave my friends and the beautiful roads and mountains that I biked, ran and hiked religiously. I stepped on that plane with no regrets only faith in the new life I was undertaking.

Thus 3 years ago, I started this blog to share my insights, humor and experiences of what it's like to relocate in a new country: the languages, customs and every day life. Little did I know it would become an avenue to express my deepest emotions and heartache.

So here's to the next 3 years.  Now the door is wide open. I remain positive that life will steer me onto the right path. Thus I slowly move forward with open eyes and heart.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Spring thoughts and scribbles

Yesterday, I saw some photos I took of Paris Roubaix 2011 and now I realize why I have have emptiness always tugging at my gut. One of the photos,  there sat my 2 bike loving boys standing in the sun patiently waiting for the racers To arrive.

It was our second time going,  but the first time taking one of the children. Driving from Zolder, it is a long 12+ hour day and  a great deal of it in spent in the car.

Beginning at 5A.M. We packed the car with food and drink, maps and plenty of clothing. We woke up Jelle who was then only 8 and piled him into the car. Being his "Papa's" boy he was excited to spend the entire day with us chasing down Paris Roubaix.

Yves had a system. An old school plan of sorts. We had done it the year before together and it was a combination of frenzy and exhilerating timing. He plotted out sections that we would view and by calculating the estimated arrival time of the racers and then adding in beating the road closures we would secure a good viewing spots. He estimated 6-8  stops.

We started in Lille, watched the athletes sign in and oggled their often special bikes and set ups for the "Hell of the North". The bikes and  racers were all so clean and fresh; something that would not last long in THIS epic gruelng race.

However 2011 April was an unusually warm spring month and not a drop of rain fell. The temperatures were unseasonably warm thus the Pavé would be dry and dusty. There was not a cloud in the sky. A very NON typical day in Belgium.

As the race was about to start we jumped into the car and headed to the first spot and repeated this until we arrived at Roubaix. Unbelievably Jelle never complained, enjoyed the excitement and cheered along side of me and his Papa. The crowds in Roubaix are thick and wall to wall people line the velodrome. Those who spend the day there buy tickets and watch the race on the Big Sreens…

The year before it was Spartacus, soloing in the make the final laps on the oval. This year it was a complete surprise as Johan Van Summeran had the lead. When he came barreling around the barriers we knew all of our  Limburg Provice was proud!

Because we did this the year before, we knew the drill. Cross the lines and cut through the barriers to wait in the team areas behind the cafe and near the famous showers.. Photos were to be taken..Seeing the riders one by one riding up with (this time) black dirt and dust covering them  from head to toe in addition to the worn out tiredness from a long day in the saddle over hellish terrain is a sight every cyclist should see. Humbling to say the least..

Thus after some time of photo taking,  team bike washing and water bottle collecting for Jelle and his brother and sister, we once again packed into the car for a long drive home.. Exhausted and exhilarated, I know I shall never forget this wonderful day with the boys I lost and hope young Jelle will also remember……

As Paris Roubaix is nearly upon us, this time I watch from the comfort of my couch but the memories and love will never die… Spring is in the air!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Every Breath ~ Every Heart Beat

I choose to go slow. I choose to take my time. I choose to keep my schedule simple. I am letting myself feel. I am letting myself take inventory, I am letting myself not have to hurry. I am living life in the slower than slow lane. I see things a bit differently now.

 I try to understand all sides. We all have so many stories that make up who we are.

Some of us will continue to make stories until the day we no longer exist and others let the stories make them.

 I choose the first option.